"If you knew a sisters husband was having an affair...&

[DiamondLady Mema-Eemah]

Sisters, Firstly.......I am not trying to start a whole contraversal "sista bashing" of eachother here with this thread, so PLZ lets try and be tactful and loving [hug] when giving your opinions & concerns......InshaAllah!!! :mrgreen:
THANKS!!

If you knew a sisters husband was "running" on her (having an affair), would you tell her if you had the proof and if so, how would you tell her.
OR would you just leave it alone and let her find out by herself.......
OR are you just not sure of what you would do.

The reason why I ask is because a good friend of mine asked me why I didn't let her know that her husband was indeed having an affair on her.....I didn't really know what to say to her and she became upset with me.....but the truth of the matter was, the two of them have been going back and forth for yrs. with his "infidelities" and she still stayed with him, so I figured by me telling her wasn't going to change a thing........AM I WRONG FOR DOING SO???!!!......plz, be kind [hug].


Naimah (eemah1) [kitty]

[ummi2mybabies]

asa yes sister naimah i would tell her but i would have to make sure 100% i knew and had proof becuase if we do soemthing wrong it is on us as well . i dont think it is fair when someone cheats on another and they should just be straight up and honets if they arent happy in their marriage then get out of it . there are too many diseases in the world and yes they do come into our community as well . some people just aint got no shame . and a dog needs to be called out when he is touching up against other telephone poles ( hahah sorry my sick sense of humor )

[sweetheart]

hi hello.
well i don't have married friends but my friends have boyfriends so i guess its the same
i would tell her 4 sure.
i would get proof,like take his picture or mark the place he goes 2 and at wat time and then bring my my friend the next time so she could catch him in the act.if i can't get proof i'll just say ,i don't trust him he's xtra friendly wit other girls.
in fact i did the latter wit 1 of my girlfriends already.she introduced me to her new boyfriend and u no how girls r,she was like wat do u think about him
and i told her
i don't like him.he seems sly but thats just my opinion.the way he looked at me..........uuuhhh! do u no he was even so brave as 2 tell her that he wanted 2 hang out me and if i would b interested in an encounter wit the 2 of them?!
boys suck!
low and behold a few weeks after she's like he cheating on me.
i no i'm young but i can still tell stuff about guys and i'm usually right my girlfriends no this so they listen 2 me.
i mean their my friends i will most definitely do anything 2 save them from heartache.

[virginiamama]

A'salaam Alaykium

I do not think I would tell cause I believe what is done in the dark eventually comes to the light and also most of the times when things like this are going on, its sometimes already known about, the people involved just have to be willing to accept, and acknowledge that its going on.

[DiamondLady Mema-Eemah]

WOW Sis Carrie......I never thought about it like that before.....alhamdullilah your right!!


Naimah (eemah1) [kitty]

[virginiamama]

A'salaam Alaykium

I also believe it can cause alot more problems telling the person cause noone wants to hear from their spouse or even from a family member/friend that their spouse is doing wrong, especially adultery, so they may become defensive about their spouse and may even cut you out of their life, either by their own choice or the wrong doing spouse could cut them out by feeding their spouse about how the other person is just trying to cause problems and does not really like them, giving the wrong spouse more space to do their wrong.

People have to pay attention to their spouses.....they only belong in a few places, when they start to venture outside of those places, there is a problem.

[AyahsMom]

I am not exactly sure what I would do; it would be tough for sure. Islam has very strict rules and guidelines for this sort of thing. I am sorry I don't have time to search for fatwas or hadith right now, but I think you need 3 or 4 witnesses......is that right? (Someone please correct me if I'm wrong). This is because adultery is a very serious offense and you must be absolutely certain if you are going to accuse, otherwise there's a very bad punishment. If I really thought my friend had no idea and if I thought she would truly want to know (which is along the lines of what Sis Carrie was saying), I may consider trying to find proof and other witnesses who could vouch for my claim. But I would want to be 100% sure that I was correct and not following some "feeling" that I had. This is much too serious of a matter to not be completely, positively sure that this was happening.

[Lallipathi]

ASA..

I would not tell AT all.. I also believe in Sis Carries opinion that IA when wrong is being done, eventually it will come out.. Seen from experience that when u tell someone something that is unfavorable, it backfires against the bearer of bad news..They are blamed than the person committing the actual sin..

Lalli

[UmmNadia]

if a man is cheating he is putting his wife in danger of getting life threatening STDs, and hiv can be transmitted thru breastmilk and blood so it could even reach the children...she definitely has a right to know...

[JundAllah]

May Allah save us from ever having to be in this position insha'allah. Sis Naimah, that must have been very awkward and hard for you when your friend approached you.



I think I'd do my best to not get involved, but would feel very guilty knowing that I know something that a sister should know. I would somehow let her know without her knowing it was me. In other words, maybe send an anonymous letter or something.

SubhanAllah, what a tough situation.

[DiamondLady Mema-Eemah]

Yes it was.....even more so because we had talked about something like that happening yrs. prior.....and discussed what we would do had it been us in that situation. And we had both agreed to tell one another.

I felt like I was between a rock and a hard place for sure.

On the one hand I wanted to expose him for what he was, but on the other hand, I felt that he would have convinced her (once again) that it wasn't true or that it wasn't like she thought it was......or even that it was over with him and the woman..........he's done that many times before.

Although she was upset with me......I think I would do it the same way if it happened again.....eventually he will hang himself with all that he is doing, and she will have to decide what she is going to do about it.


Naimah (eemah1) [kitty]

[amalie07]

Salam sisters,

This is a tricky but great question. On the one hand, I understand the various sisters' concerns about a cheating man bringing home diseases if he's up to no good. And I can sympathize deeply with that.

But on the other hand, I can't get past something I read in a religious book years and years ago. There was something in it about if you discover a person cheating, do your utmost to protect that person's modesty, as bringing out something like that corrupts marriages and leads to greater evils.

Whereas, silence can always give way to change-ie the "cheater" may one day come to his/her senses and turn to Allah for forgiveness. If you ruin that person's life and reputation, then that person most likely will never change when the community ostracizes them.

There also are several hadith and ayahs (sorry, not sure which off the top of my head, but I know they're there) explicitly referring to a number of witnesses been required to prove infidelity, and even then, assuming someone is cheating because you see them in a restaurant/at a park/anywhere with someone other than their spouse does not constitute adultery.You need concrete proof -nothing short of catching them in the act-and we all know that is near impossible for SEVERAL people to witness such an act in order to prove it.

I think the best anyone can do in any situation, male or female, is realize that humans are subject to error and weakness, and just do your best to be alert and inquisitive (even if only by snooping through your spouse's things secretly)and notice the signs. It should'nt be LEFT up to others to tell someone that their spouse is cheating. The signs are always there... Anyone who says they are not is in denial....

So in short, I would just let it go and let her/him find out for themself....

Amalie.

[serenity101]

Assalamu alaikum,

First I would talk with her and see if she would want to know. And if she was a close friend I would also consider her state of mind. I have heard people actually say that they would not want to know. And then I have heard people say yes, they would want to know.

I had a friend once who found out her husband was cheating big time. The other woman was in so deep with my friends husband that when 4 of her 5 children drowned at the same time, a picture of him sitting along the beach where it happened was posted with his picture on the frint page. It read " Father laments over the death of 4 of his children. " They were not even his children, they were hthe other womans. But there was a mix up and it was printed anyway. My friend and her husband had 4 beautiful children at the time. The other woman had 6, none his though.

MY friend of 25 years went to work as usua;land people were all staring at her and looking at her and finally a lady took her to the laundry area of the nursing home she worked and sat her down. She asked her if she was alright and she said to me later, she felt a bit quesy thinking back on it. But she told the lady she was fine whhat was going on and why was everyone treating her so strange. The woman tokk a deep breath and showed her the newspaper. There was the proof on the front page of the local paper. My friend nearly fainted and she fell absolutely apart. She was taken to the hospital and she sufferend a breakdown. I was almost 1200 miles away and once I wwent back to florida, she was o changed and different. Now many years later she was remarried and her and her new husband are doing good.

There are a lot of things she does not even remember. She knows her 1st husbdan cheated but not a lot of sorted details. The doc said that was her bodies way of copong. Astaughfuallah.

So for me, and especially if it is my close friend. I would find some way to talk with her and so yes, I would tell her. :cry:


Whereas, silence can always give way to change-ie the "cheater" may one day come to his/her senses

I am sorry, I don't believe that, not anymore... Once a cheater, always a cheater. That has been from my experience.


I wish everyday that someone would have told me. I was left feeling like such a complete fool.

serenity101

[DiamondLady Mema-Eemah]

I think the best anyone can do in any situation, male or female, is realize that humans are subject to error and weakness, and just do your best to be alert and inquisitive (even if only by snooping through your spouse's things secretly)and notice the signs. It should'nt be LEFT up to others to tell someone that their spouse is cheating. The signs are always there... Anyone who says they are not is in denial....

So in short, I would just let it go and let her/him find out for themself....

This is so true Sis Amalie.......so true.


Naimah (eemah1) [kitty]

[Humayraa]

Bismillaah was Salaatu was Salaamu 'ala Rasulillaah

as Salaamu 'alaykunna wa Rahmatullaahi wa Barakaatuhu

To answer the question, as of now, I'm not 100% sure what I'd do but I feel that it's 99.999% likely that I would NOT say anything. Here's why...

When I was 15, my mother began suspecting that my father was having an affair, and though she thought she had enough evidence to use this as the grounds for divorce, she wanted concrete proof. She'd stopped sleeping in the same room with him, etc. out of fear of contracting a disease, should he have picked up one. Well she was on the search for proof. There were lots of signs, including that he'd come home around 3, 4, 5 in the morning, etc. One day at the beginning of the summer vacation when I'd just turned 17 , Mummy went to work, my younger sister and I were getting ready for our father to drop us to our various summer classes. Daddy was on the phone. He'd come home early that morning after a night out of we didn't know where. I had just showered and was changing in my bedroom. He was speaking rather loudly on the phone, and I heard EVERYTHING he said. He was boasting about what he did on the couch of another woman's house the night before. OMG...I''d just heard an oral confession from my father, that he committed adultry. What to do? My younger sister was in the shower at the time. I went and told her what I heard and asked her what she thought I should do. Should I tell Mummy? Her answer was that she didn't know. Well later that day, when we got home from classes and Mummy came home from work, I sat her on the porch and told her what I'd heard Daddy say. I didn't know who he was talking to, but I knew what I heard him say. That was the beginning of the end. My parents are now divorced, my father is re-married to someone younger than my sister would have been if she were still alive. She'd be 23 now, and his wife is supposedly younger than that, though I've never asked her age. Daddy is 53, btw. I have been blamed by Daddy and his entire family for butting my nose in where it didn't belong, and the string of accusations have never ended. To this day I'm still blamed for and accused of all sorts of things, all because I told my mother what I heard my father say. For me, it was the last time I'd ever get involved in married ppl's business.

I accepted Islaam when I was 18. I'd later met a really lovely sister, masha'Allaah. She and I became so close, subhaanAllaah. She was married, a mother of 4. Her oldest (a son) was only 1 year younger than I. I used to spend lots of time at their home, and they treated me as though I was a part of their family, Alhamdulillaah. She'd been through and was still in the midst of a test with her dh at the time. A sister who'd recently taken shahaddah and became homeless as her parent's kicked her out for her being muslim, was temporarily living with this sister and her family. They treated her as well as they treated me, masha'Allaah. My friend later discovered that her husband this young sister were married, subhaanAllaah. Things got nasty and the 2nd wife was now living elsewhere, but with 3 children from my friend's husband. So I knew the details of the situation, what was going on, past and present (at that time), etc. Lo and behold, one day out of the blue, her husband approaches me and asks me to marry him. He said, let's do something called a "secret marriage" so nobody would know and nobody would get hurt. It's called mut'ah. I was still new to the deen and didn't even know what mut'ah was. He went on to explain that it's a secret marriage which could last for however long we want it to. He NEVER used the words "temporary marriage" in his definition of what mut'ah was. These ppl are NOT shi'ah, btw. I was so not interested and started to feel soooo bad. I wanted to keep my friendship with this sister, but I did NOT want to be a 3rd wife to him. If I said yes, (which I didn't want) I'd be hurting her even more, and if I said no, he'd probably invent some reason why I'm a bad person, and forbid her from having anything to do with me. He started calling me all hours of the day and night: after midnight when she and the children were asleep, from work, from his cell phone, he'd pop by my house to say salaams, etc. He was putting pressure on me for this and it was increasingly uncomfortable and I just didn't know what to do. I had a chat with another sister, someone who's a friend to both the 1st wife of this man and I. I told her what was going on and asked for her advice. This lady was in her 50's at that time. She gave me some really good advice which I took. So 1 day I sat the 1st wife, my friend down, and said...I have something to tell you, but I don't know how to say it. I was visibly trembling. She said, "Did *** (name called - referring to her husband) propose to you?" I couldn't believe how easy Allaah made it for me, Alhamdulillaah. I said yes. She then told me not to worry, and said that he's proposed to every single one of her female friends, their daughters, etc. She assured me that our friendship would remain intact. Well it didn't. Her husband as good as forbade her from having anything to do with me. We tried to be friends in secret, but that only lasted for a while. They are since divorced and she's now happily remarried, Alhamdulillaah. I know that their divorce was deeply routed in other issues, but I still can't help but feel as though I'm a contributing factor to it, in some way.

So once again, to answer the question, I don't think that I'd tell. Islamically 4 witnesses to the actual act of adultry would be needed anyways. I don't see myself and 3 other muslimahs being the eyes that spy to see the genitals of a friend's husband, enter the gentials of another woman. That's just not my style. So I guess Islamically I'll probably never be correct to say anything even if I see another sister's husband looking cosey in the company of another woman, waAllaahu 'alam. Fi amanillaah.

was Salaamu 'alaykunna wa Rahmatullaahi wa Barakaatuhu

Humayraa

SubhaanakAllaahumma wa bi hamdika ash hadu anlaa ilaha ila anta Astughfiruka wa atu bu ilayk

[DiamondLady Mema-Eemah]

Boy Sis Humayraa......you went through it and back again!!!......my word!!!
I can see where you are coming from though......gheesh!!!

But just to reassure you....you had nothing to do with the divorce of your parents or your friend & her husband......those marriages were bound to fail, too much haram was taking place.



Naimah (eemah1) [kitty]

[Humayraa]

Aww...thanks sis Naimah for that assurance, baraak Allaahu feeki. I know that things ended the way that they did because it was the qadr of Allaah, and Allaah could have easily chosen to reveal the secrets of those husbands in other ways, masha'Allaah. I honestly don't think that I'm to blame for anything, but I just can't help but tell myself to stay out and not be involved in cheating matters of other ppl's marriages. It causes me too many sleepless nights cuz these husband end up hating me, not that I really care, but still. All focus goes from the wrong acts they committed and how it impacted on their marriages, to if I hadn't said anything then their marriage would still be intact. Even when I know that''s not true, it's just alot for me to have on my mind. So I really feel it's better that I stay out, as a general rule. Don't know if I'll feel the need to make any exceptions in the future. I sure hope not, inshaaAllaah.

[ummisa]

As Salaamu Alaikum

I voted yes and that is only if I have 100% proof. I was in a similar situation, well it was reversed the sister was cheating on her husband and the husband is my husband's friend. I knew her only through that. However, where I am from it is a very small area and the man the sister was cheating on was the cousin of one of my closet companions. I tried to advise the sister to leave him alone and get it together or leave her husband. I tried to adivse her according to the Quran and Sunnah but she continued on and eventually perform a "fake wedding' to the other man. She told an Imam that lived in another state that she was divorced from her 1st husband but she wasn't. So of course, I had to tell my husband he told his friend and they went to our Imam. Our Imam ordered the sister to come to the meeting but she never showed up and the Imam divorced them.

So, only if I had 100% proof that is going on.

wa'salaam
aaminah

[UmmNadia]

assalamu alaikum
i think there's a difference between the actual LEGAL charge of adultery (including the punishment of death) and the informing those who would be affected.

[umm adam]

Im not sure what i would do..........?

I guess it would very much depend on the individual situation. :|

[Fajr4]

salam alaykum wa rahmatullah
bismillah
the act of adultery would have to be so very extra public in order to be announced as in islam we need 4 witnesses. however, the man can announce and repeat the announcement 4 times that he has cheated (this would be because he is looking to repent and maybe some punishment to purify him and Allah knows best).
as for myself, i dont hang with men, am not exposed to them in any sense, and am not in a position to ever really know unless my dh was to tell me that so and so has been caught cheating (which i highly doubt as that'd be spreading secrets and a way to accrue sins). so i'd probably be in the dark about the matter which is alhamdulillah preferable
now assume i did know, even if i saw the act, i'm only one witness, thats not proof enough and to announce it without 3 other witnesses means i deserve 80 lashes and my testimony will never be accepted again (i.e. i then be considered among the untrustworthy) therefore, i wont be telling.
however, i do believe its important i tell my friend something. so instead of saying i saw your dh cheating or ur dh is cheating or something similar (which is really hurtful anyway if you think about it), i'd discuss fedility in marriage and how to ensure it, islamically.
(i tend to lecture anyway, so my friend wont think it bad at all insha'allah) and i'd proceed to outline the importance of fedility in marriage, steps to ensure fedility, steps to combat intentions of cheating, how to deal with cheating, etc.
its the hardest of routes as i'm not remaining silent yet i'm not stating the problem, but instead i'm handing out tools (widely available i might add) to my lovely friend. also i probably would not single her out to tell this to, i'd ask several of my friends over for tea and we'd have this topic as our topic of discussion. if they enjoy it (as i could not cover everything in one session) i'd do it as a halaqa topic (actually maybe i should do it as a halaqa topic... mhhh... lol).
anyway, so tahts what i'd do. i'd find out about cheating, how to combat cheating/prevent it, how to deal with it, all in islamic manner insha'allah.
And as usual, Allah knows best but I pray i'm not in this situation as its really a hard one subhanallah
fi amanallah
fajr

[DiamondLady Mema-Eemah]

Thank you Sis Fajr.....that is good advice!! [applaud]


Naimah (eemah1) [kitty]

[umm_maryam]

i will let her know. This is what i would expect from real friends. I don`would be again the last ideot who knows. Its horrible when everybody around you knows more than you

[UmmNadia]

assalamu alaikum
what about enjoining right and forbidding wrong, if you see them sinning then stop it with your hand, if you can't stop it with your hand then speak out against it, if you can't do that then hate it in your heart? I mean, i feel like a friend who loves you and wants the best for you and is there to protect you would not just let a wrong continue. and allowing the one doing the wrong to continue doing it. inshallah none of my true friends would feel that way. i think thats what makes a true friend is that they would get involved in your life and a casual friend would just hear something and forget about it, ignore it or not feel enough concern compassion and love for you to actually help you ..... sad....

[Leihalaa]

[slms] ladies,


I honestly don't know what i would do. I to come from a broken home and my father was unfaithful to my mother before the marriage and all 25 years of marriage. My father was very careless of where he left his note books and for some reason he loved to write down his girl friends names and all info about the deed.. My mom was a very strong christian and she felt if she forgave him each time she couldn't take it back so the marriage continued until my dad was the one who left.

I did stick my nose into another person affairs a while ago (my best friend) she isn't a muslim but when telling her what i knew and how i knew she went and had her own little affair until she to was caught.
I told myself if i every was in this position again I would ask my IMAM for advice.

[umm_maryam]

if i every was in this position again I would ask my IMAM for advice.





..a good point.

[Dinni]

Sister Naimah,
Personnaly, I think it is your right to decide if you want to be involved or not in someone's marriage. If it was me, I would tell since I had an experience with infedility. However, I wont get mad if my friends decide against telling me. Because again, it is her rights. I can understand your friends is upset, since she is feeling betrayed already by the man. Please just be patient with her, and let her know that you are still her friend. And explain to her why you chose not to tell. Communication is important ,sister.
Regards,
Dinni

[Hayfa]

It would depend upon

a) what I really knew

b) how well I knew the sister and her situation

If I know the person well enough and they knew me well, I'd definitely tell for sure. Cause I trust my friends and they trust me. (My motivations.)

I know an instance where a man I know "propositioned" a woman I know. He is married (I yeach his kids). Whereas as I was disgusted, I do not know his wife really at all and her situation (happy marriage, does she have the means to separate, etc.)

In certain cases I might confront the man. It all depends on factors.

Would I want someone to tell me. Yes, absolutely.

[miss helouah]

I voted yes.. If it was a sister i was close to i definatly would. Because if i had been cheated on, i would like to know... I would first get dh to talk to her dh, to get him to confess himself, if he refused then i would tell the sister.. Because i seriously don't think it's fair that this sister should walk around, not knowing what's going on and besides the longer it goes, the more it will hurt her, if she gets to know straight away, she might try to save the marriage, if there are years of cheating, she would most likely be devestated and get a divorce, just my opinion

[Barja]

I would tell her but just once, I would not keep telling her what is going on if she doesn't use the information the first time then anything I tell her would then be a nussiance not a help it's no sense in me and her husband causing her grief.