Marriage Problem

[Dinni]

Salam Sisters,

Just thought I asked.

Regards,
Dinni

[bluesky]

[smilie=111281wsalams.gif] to be honest sis I didn't answer because for me it is both.

[smilie=11281astaghfirullah.gif] every, single time I had a problem with dh, I would firstly try to call my blood sister's. If they were busy or unavailable to lend me their ear's, then I would call my friends. I have mash'Allah exactly 3 friends to whom I know, that I can talk about anything.

So they all have to put up with my ranting when I have to go through it! [smilie=12biggrin.gif]

Of course, insh'Allah I am alway's there for them, if they ever need me. Just to lend an ear and give my view if it is ever asked for!

A bit like this place really! [smilie=11281mashallah.gif]

[Humayraa]

[smilie=282wsalam.gif] sis Dinni

I didn't vote cuz honestly I don't vent to either. If I have marital problems the only real life person I actually talk to about it is myself. Yes, I talk to myself. When I'm seeking a solution or advice I make du'a and ask Allaah to show me the way to fix things. I prefer it this way, inshaaAllaah.

[Ummi_to_Siraj]

[smilie=111281salams.gif]

I didn't answer because I used to go to both, but now I try and make it a point to pray before I try to talk to another person. That almost always works. My only problem is being patient enough to wait for Allah's guidance and not try to talk to someone else, letting them into our business, [smilie=11281astaghfirullah.gif] .

Jehada

[Oum Anas]

I don't vent to anyone, so this poll didn't work for me either. I've vented a little here, because I rather vent to "strangers" or in an environment where I feel anonymous.... [smilie=suspicious.gif]

[ummi2mybabies]

aoa sisters

well alhumdulilah we dotn get into big major arguements just me getting pissy with him . when im tired or something and i vent here but not all details i have to keep some of my secrets for myself dont i . i have made it a pact with dh that no matter what no matter how bad it gets we dont go to our family whyyyy do you ask becuase when you go to family even if your wrong ur family is on your side and his on his side and then you make them dislike the other part for no reason . so dont air your dirty laundry to your families we dont want them thinking bad about our spouses . in my case my dad is going to be living with us and later on my mom too . and eventually further down the road my mil will live with us too . sooooo there you have it we have to keep things in perespective . and keep things under hush hush .

[DiamondLady Mema-Eemah]

Well I voted "friends" because there is only one friend that I really truly can confide in.....and I don't tell my family NOTHING [smilie=eusa_snooty.gif] ....I've learned my lesson on that one years and years ago.
But before I go to my friend "to vent"....I go to ALLAH first [smilie=23icon_mrgreen.gif].


Naimah (eemah1) [smilie=kitty.gif]

[Oum Anas]

asiddiqui: ur family is on your side and his on his sideHmmm, when my hubby vents to his family about minor things, they take MY side... lol (I guess that's why he wants to drag my father into everything when it's more serious)

[umm_maryam]

During the time of my marriage ( soon to be finaly divorced ) i vent to my family. Either in laws or by blood. Not for small things, just big problems.

[bunny]

I don't vent to anyone (except I ask Allah to help us) b/c I feel like this is discouraged in Islam. I don't want to make my husband's respect go down in the eyes of other people b/c we had a quarrel b/c I know we will work it out. But, if you tell others, then they won't understand or will have ill feelings about your husband long after ur issues are over b/c no one understands the intimate relationship better than the two of u.

Of course, I don't see anything wrong w/ venting in MMC or the like, b/c it's anonymous.

[DiamondLady Mema-Eemah]

bunny: But, if you tell others, then they won't understand or will have ill feelings about your husband long after ur issues are over b/c no one understands the intimate relationship better than the two of u.
This is why I don't speak of ANYTHING to my family members (particularly certain ones...whom I will not mention)....people have a tendency to over extend their anger towards him even after the two of you have made up [smilie=13confused.gif].


Naimah (eemah1) [smilie=kitty.gif]

[Dinni]

Salam sisters,

Thank you so much for answering this. Honestly, I thought I put two other options, which was ALLAH and stranger. Somehow, I made an error and only two came up....lol
Oh well, please forgive me I am a newbie....lol

Thank you again, for your participation.
Regards,
Dinni

[SHAIKHA]

Assalamu'alaikum ya Ukht,

I voted neither... like sis Humayraa, I don't vent to anyone except to myself and find comfort in Allah. [smilie=11281alhamdulillah.gif]


Sis Humayraa : I don't vent to either. If I have marital problems the only real life person I actually talk to about it is myself. Yes, I talk to myself. When I'm seeking a solution or advice I make du'a and ask Allaah to show me the way to fix things. I prefer it this way, inshaaAllaah.

This is exactly me !! I talk to myself a lot - questioning, answering, wondering, debating ... till I find a solution and a 'mock' up answer that will please me... then I'll be happy again... Crazy isnt' it !! LOL !! [smilie=loopy.gif]
.. but this way, I'm much happier and don't hold anger and grudges. [smilie=281sis6.gif]

Hb is learning how to understand me, for during that time, I'll be a bit 'silent'... he'll asked my what's bothering me (isn't is strange that they don't know after they had hurt us !!) and I'll tell him to forgive me but I need some time alone 'debating with myself' !! [smilie=insane.gif]

I don't vent to my family or friends coz I don't want them to pass judgement or talk bad about him... if I can't take it, then I'll 'talk' to MY HB himself !! [smilie=couple.gif] .... Wallahu-alam

But of course, Allah will be the One I can always rely on in times of trouble, grief, joy & happiness !! HE never lets me down.. Alhamdullillah...

JazakAllah khair...

[bluesky]

Ok, I totally get the 'talking' to Allah swt bit, because in my worst moment's -I have done that. Also about talking to yourself, I have done that (as well as banging y0ur head against a wall -I have done that too! [smilie=122529icon_sad.gif] [smilie=banghead.gif] )

However, I personally find it difficult to discuss my personal problems in front of the whole world, no matter how anonymous it is.

The people whom I talk to in my life, (I guess I am a really lucky person, that I have a group whom I can totally confide in.) have an understanding, as I do with them.

We know that everyone goes thru problems. I seriously don't think any less of their husbands and believe that they don't think any less of mine -if anything we are there to maybe point out sometime's that dh maybe the innocent party in the dilema! We are there to give a honest appraisal of the situation if it is asked for. I value that a lot, sometime's it's hard to see clearly when you are emotional.

We only vent to each other when we have serious issue's, for me personally in year's gone by, I seriously don't think my marriage would have lasted if I didn't have 1. Allah swt to talk to 2. my bedroom wall 3. my sister's 4.my friends.

These day's because we have sorted out our major problems, alhamdulillah, I don't need to vent to anyone but him (dh), anyway!

I don't know, I guess that we are also lucky in that we all have separate lives. Non of us inter-mingle on a daily or even weekly basis. [smilie=12biggrin.gif] At the end of the day, my intention is to help my sisters (blood and friends) to be happy. Having a successful marriage is a part of that happiness. So I will do whatever is relevant to help them and insh'Allah they will (and certainly have) help me!

Sorry, no intention of offending or upsetting anybody, this is just my point of view and experience.

[DiamondLady Mema-Eemah]

I do my best taling to myself while doing my dishes.......or in the "John" [smilie=23icon_mrgreen.gif].
With my first marriage that is all I did...and my dishes stayed clean too, so that tells ya how "mad" I stayed all the time [smilie=13confused.gif].

I used to do it while driving, until I realised people were staring.... [smilie=aundecided.gif].


Naimah (eema1h) [smilie=kitty.gif]

[UmmRuwaidah]

Salaamu Alaykunna,
I voted friends but I have a bad habbit of telling my sister who isn't muslim. honestly telling anyone is a bad habbit which is why i wanted to ask Sisters Shaikha and Humayra what's your technique. I always talk to Allah about my problems but i can't seem to stop at Him. Not that i doubt what He's capable of, it's more of a of lack patience.

[Umm Ahmad]

MashAllah la quwwata illa billa sisters !! This post opened my eyes, REALLY !! [smilie=16icon_eek.gif]

Now i'm thinking , if THEY can handle it without venting, SO CAN I !! [smilie=121inshallah.gif]

Actually alhamdulillah, RIGHT after i've had a row with dh or a disagreement, i talk to NO ONE b/cs i know i'll just spew garbage , so i just let myself cool down for a few hours or perhaps overnight all the while making continous dua in my heart to ALLAH SWT . And Alhamdulillah once things are totally normal , alhamdulillah , i do have a dear friend who i talk to, just to see things in perspective and ALHAMDULILLAH she ALWAYS makes me see hubys side of the picture so that works out preetty well.

But inshAlllah gotta keep working on myself to JUST talk to Allah and no one else.

[bunny]

I do my best taling to myself while doing my dishes.......or in the "John" . I used to do it while driving, until I realised people were staring....

sis Naimah, u crack me up!!


i talk to NO ONE b/cs i know i'll just spew garbage

EXACTLY sis ummAhmad. It's scary to think of all the mean things we might say while angry!

[Leihalaa]

[smilie=111281salams.gif] ,

My bf and i have known each other since we were kids when times get tough we call each other we know that we will tell each other the truth even if it hurts the others feelings. I don't go to just any friend all my fears childhood secrets my bf hold i trust her with all i hold dear.
I've trusted my bf most of my life and never once thought she will blab it to the world. In hawaii we call this the coconut connection even living in the mainland i hear rumors sometimes right after the wrong person was sworn not to tell.
I have tried to rely on muslim sisters but some don't get that you need to let off some steam and they shouldnt tell their spouse or another sister. Some sisters just don't have a clue what the words Just between you and I .

aloha leila

[dinah]

I told my own blood family as they disowned me so never again I will share my problems with them as friends is better in my case

[Barja]

I confide in my two best friends they always have a way of looking at things in a fair perspective and when they feel as thou my husband was right they let me know it and when they feel otherwise they think of a solution that would be helpful to both me and my husband, not just me [smilie=281sisterniqabi.gif] [smilie=281female.gif] It goes without saying Allah is the beganning and final answer.

[criterion]

As-salaam alaykum warahamatullah wabarakatuh

In my usual way,I'd look at this from another perspective because I naturally think very 'broad' . firstly,my experience of life&putting myself in other people's situations.
It is very easy for all of us or some of us to say'Friends',Family,Allah or a Stranger.What we keep forgetting is the fact that every individual has his/her own peculiarity.To begin with,we don't tell our friends or families every single thing that happens between us and our husbands.Alliamdulillah Islam has set limits to that by encouraging us to uphold the'honour&integrity of our fellow brethren.So before we wash our dirty linen in the public,we should pause&ask why we'r doing it.For what purpose?

Has anyone considered the fact that we do not have the same knowledge & eeman?We strive for it,but we don't attain it equally.Some people have been bestowed certain virtues above others.Our levels of 'Tolerance.Endurance,Patience&understanding of Islam differs.And that's what makes us "Human".Allah created us differently.Do we need to enquire this further?Some women have menstrual cramps& need to take pain relieving mediactions while some only just need to protect themselves from getting soaked in blood.Besides that,they feel no pains at all.Same goes for labour pains&pregnancy ordeals.If this is true,we must then appreciate the fact that we confide in someone when we can't 'bear it 'alone'.When we are not knowledgeable enough to handle the situation.It is easy to tell someone to pray over a problem,the undeniable fact is,some problems cannot be handled'alone'.Even if you're required to speed up your'spirituality,what if you don't know what supplication is required of you?
Some people didn't have the privilege of growing up in a family that has Religious understandings.There're even different Sects to begin with.A Suffi wanting to be a Sunni?He/she'd have to begin from somewhere.
What if you had a better Islamic understanding than your husband?Wouldn't you seek someone's opinion if there's a problem beyond your knowledge?
We pray truly&that's the'Spiritual' aspect of it,what about the'Physical aspect?Sometimes we suffer in silence& keep on praying& hoping for a'change' which doesn't happen.This is a chain reaction as we could even lose faith at that moment.We can't say'no matter what,we should be patient'.We'r humans& there's alimit to what we can obtain into our mind,because we could lose our minds.
I have observed that those who said they confided in their family of friends here had more serious issues to deal with.There're minor things we could bear&pray over.But it could be more than that which is why we resolve to asking for'a listening' ear.
In my own case(permit me to blow my trumpet here),I have always had the privilege of being a Confidante to so many people right from my childhood (I considered studying Guidance&Counselling for this purpose).Even at this stage,I've got a number of friends who'd rather tell me their life problems than anyone else.And in all those years,I have had my fair share of life's travails but was strong enough to be helping others.So,I couldn't even tell them I was suffering in silence.I have never reported my hubby to a family member,even when we had the'worst' periods of our lives since we were together.I bore it alone in silence until I had the opportunity of confiding in a friend.If it's something you can deal with on your own,you probably don't need to involve a third party,but not"every situation" can be handled"ALONE" with prayers.
And Allah knows best!