Would you help your husband find a suitable [Archive]

ummi2mybabies

July 15th, 2007, 04:42 AM

as salaam alakium sisters i voted no . why because m husband suffered from the affects of a polygamy marriage his dad had two wives and so on.. and i know he would never take another wife. if godforbid i knew something was going to happen to me i would look for a suitable wife so he wouldnt suffer alone in this world and so my kids would have someone to look up to if im not here. Allah aalam but my husband says if that happened he wouldnt remarry Allah aalam

mashAllah sis i commend u thats great . do u think he wants to remarry again though

Reem

July 15th, 2007, 05:43 AM

I voted no too. I am not comfortable being involved in a polygamous marriage even though it is halal. just because it is halal doesnt mean one HAS to engage in it, its all situational and depends on people. I spoke with dh before getting married and we made it clear what our views were regarding the practice in terms of us choosing to get involved in it or not. Alhumdulillah were both on the same page........we dont have polygamous marriages in either of our families so its not something that we even grew up with or saw or even know how to deal with.

UmmRuwaidah

July 15th, 2007, 05:55 AM

do u think he wants to remarry again though
yes i know he does and Alhamdulillah i want so deeply for it to work out for him. [smilie=11281ameen.gif]

Halimah

July 15th, 2007, 06:50 AM

First, I have to say that I am not married, so I may be the wrong person to answer this question, but here are my thoughts....If I were married, and my husband was set on having another wife, my choices would be 1-let him find her and I may or may not like her, or 2-help him and at least find someone I could get along with. So, I would vote yes, given the options, I would help him.

umm_maryam

July 15th, 2007, 12:00 PM

I vote carefully no. It is honestly better a maybe, but more no than yes. I`m a jealous person regarding relationship. My former husband to be messed up to much. But i know happy polygamous marriages as mentioned before. But for sure i would pray lots of Istikhara for either ask for divorce or help him searching.

nasimaelghazi

July 15th, 2007, 03:42 PM

I voted no also but as with everyone else,,I can see if he was set on having another wife how it would be a good idea to help choose,,What if he ended up with someone I hated and it would cause so much trouble in the home and in the end totally distroy my own marriage,Then on the other hand, I think I would be so upset over him choosing another that it would ruin our marriage anyway,,
Lucky for me my husbands family doesnt follow the thinking of poligmy. Before we married he told me I would be his only wife and he would never marry another,,I like to tease him You can barely afford having me as your wife,,so you really cant afford to have 2 lol,,,

MelissaS

July 16th, 2007, 06:03 AM

I voted yes. Because, if my husband really wanted a second wife (which he doesn't, sometimes, he wonders how he lives with just one!) and I was open to it and accepted it, I would rather help him in finding someone who I could get along with and hopefully be friends with. Though, I know that for most, polygamy is difficult, and it's hard to get along with and be friends with your husbands other wife....I would also want to know what's going on, make sure he's finding a second wife in a halal manner...you know? So, that's why I voted yes.

Humayraa

July 16th, 2007, 12:05 PM

YESSSSS!!!!!!

Dinni

July 16th, 2007, 03:33 PM

For me it's yes.

Actually, about 2 years ago, my marriage was in a verge of a divorce. We were in Indonesia. My husband was involved with a wrong crowd and was persuade to abandon his family and Islam.

I seek counsel to an Imam, who has an older wife and 5 boys. After a few meetings, he introduced me to his wife. She was so lovely and since I dont have an older sister, and she only has brothers, we become closer.

One day, she told me that she had her tubes done since her last 2 boys were disabled and she was hospitalized for months after the birth of their youngest. Growing up as an only girl in the family, and having only boys, she longed for having girls. (btw, the Imam only have brothers as well)

I told her that on the other hand, my family is full with girls. I told her that I feel lucky to have girls, since I probably have a hard time raising boys. Her eyes grew bigger and ask me jokingly, if I would marry her husband and make a her a girl. At that moment, I told her she is crazy and laugh. But really I thought it was very weird thing to say.

And then whenever we talked, always ask about the girls how they are and always ask for their pictures and milestones.
I tried not to think about it in a bad way and go along with her request.

Then my husband and I made up and we moved back to the US. When I told her about the news, she told me that she had put a high hope on me to become his husband's wife and bear his children. She told me she is happy that I chose to be with my husband, but also worry. She told me to keep in touch and go back home if anything should go wrong with my husband again.

This lady has been brought up in a very tight Islamic family. I really admire her strenght and confidence. Believe it or not, she become one of my inspiration. Not only she is a good mother, but also a caring wife. She put her own feelings aside and care of her husband well being and desire.

I dread to say this but, I thought that should I have to be put in the same situation, I would want to make sure the person I am going to be sharing my husband with is a dedicated Muslima.

Regards,
Dinni

Lallipathi

July 16th, 2007, 03:51 PM

ASA..

I say ''' NO"""

Allah swt may have given the man a choice of 4 wives..does not eman they have to do it.... tell me those who can actually handle such a monumental task.. If my hubby wanted another, i would tell him in no uncertain terms #@*$#2!##.... I would say I want another husband!

I would have nothing to do with him PERIOD..

I have seen some examples of multiple marriages.. we have some here in DFW.. One wife is considered lawful and the other is not.. one set of kids is considered legitimate, the others not. I have a friend who has a child one year, the co-wife has one the next year, and the cycle repeats.. Guess what..all are on welfare, the kids don't have any clothes, no food in the house,the other wife lives in a shelter, hubby is off with his friends.. and the women are sick and tired of it.. I tell her, well your hubby has to answer to HIs creator.. Its not a joke having another wife, another family..

My aunt is one of 2 wives.. Her hubby has not seen her or the children for 10 years..sure he sends her money..Big deal...He lives in the US , she's in Pakistan.. He has another wife here, 2 more kids here too.. I told him, u will also answer to your Allah, u may not be fearful now, but u will be quaking when u stand up on the D of J.. BTW, this guys brother has 3 wives..one in Pakistan, 2 in the US.. They beat their wives senseless, drink all day, until the kids said , lay a hand on our mum we will turn u in..

Thats my say..

Lallipathi

DiamondLady Mema-Eemah

July 16th, 2007, 08:57 PM

UmmRuwaidah: I vote yes because I want for my husband what i want for myself.
[smilie=clap.gif] [smilie=clap.gif] [smilie=clap.gif]......Sis you took the words right out of my "mind".....this is what I was going to start my post off with saying when I read the Topic......great minds think alike [smilie=1224311icon_wink.gif].

I was in a poligamist marriage, and although I knew the Sister already...I think it is important that the Sisters Qualities are good, that she has good Character...her Deen is quite intact....etc.
This makes for a better relationship amongst all involved.

If you ever had the opportunity to do so, I think it would bring all of you closer as well.......now I know this is not for everyone, but for those of you that can handle a situation like that...I say go for it.

Sis Lalli....not everyone's situtation is like those....there are plural marriages that can survive.....you really can't base it on what you see others doing OR not doing.
Mine didn't work because our husband had his own "agenda" going on and when you think that you can just do what you want and not go by what ALLAH says...then sure, it's not going to work.
And there are bound to have problems in a plural marriage....just like in a non-plural marriage........even the wives of the Prophet (saws), and May ALLAH be pleased with them (the wives)....they too had some differences (jealousy) amongst eachother....it is a natural thing to occur.
But I must say....it is not for Everyone, you deff. have to have it in you to handle such a thing.

Naimah (eemah1) [smilie=kitty.gif]

Razzanah

July 17th, 2007, 11:27 AM

[smilie=111281salams.gif] I would have to say yes I used to be in a polygany marriage and ask me this question two years ago i would say no i didnt even want to meet the sister or become her friend [smilie=1827icon_redface.gif] if he took a third wife . But now I feel different [smilie=121inshallah.gif] I would hear my husband out and be very supportive to him I would not get to involve because that is still his choice and the final decision is up to him .if he ask me for my intake on the idea i would deffinitly give him feed back .I would not offer any friends because i feel it starts out good then ends breking friendship [smilie=15icon_cry.gif] . InshaAllah my zewj really would like to try polygany he never been in polygany and he just want's his rights . I feel as long as he gives me my rights . [smilie=243221icon_lol.gif] I will try to be a happy family Iwant somebody to have at leaast some of my characterisic that i have like love children and fear Allah and want for her sister what she want for herself I feel we will be okay . [smilie=121inshallah.gif] well ladies that is my yes .

Dinni

July 17th, 2007, 01:43 PM

Salam sisters,

Wow, sister Razzanah, you are one strong woman...

Regards,
Dinni

Ameena

July 17th, 2007, 03:52 PM

This may sound stupid, but in the U.S. they can't have more than one wife anyway can they?

faces2paint

July 17th, 2007, 04:50 PM

I voted yes. There was a time I would have said no, and been completely jealous. But I've changed so much over the last 15 yrs.
I see a good side and a bad side to having another wife.
On the good side, shared responsibility. On the bad side, things could be bad if the other wife has bad intentions.
But overall, if your husband desires, you have to decide if you want to
(1)make that compromise and stay in your marriage and try to make it work or
(2) simply disagree and risk an unhappy marriage without that compromise (and possibly unfaithfulness)
or (3) dissolve your marriage
Overall, I would think of the kids first.
As far as all of the bad examples of plural marriage, most sincere men know they cannot handle or afford two wives in the first place. The ones that are probably are opting for this situation, what are the reasons behind it? That would usually explain their behavior. Are they sincere husbands to begin with? or is there some legitimate reason?

DiamondLady Mema-Eemah

July 17th, 2007, 05:29 PM

Ameena: This may sound stupid, but in the U.S. they can't have more than one wife anyway can they?
Islamically, Yes........through the Courts of the USA...NO!!!
Just like our Islamic Marriages are not viewed as "legal" in the Courts....You still have to go before a Justice of the Peace.....(Unless someone knows different [smilie=1224311icon_wink.gif]).

Even though my husband & I are Married Islamically (Mashallah, going on 4 yrs. this Fall)....we plan to go and make it "legal" through the Courts on our Anniversary (InshaAllah)....this is to safe guard what will be due to us in the event one of us goes back to ALLAH before the other......otherwise our Marriage would be deemed as a "Common Law Marriage" [smilie=20icon_rolleyes.gif].
I have always looked at ALL of my Marriages as "Leagal" because it is so in the "eyes" of ALLAH, and THAT is more important then anything.....but we don't live in an Islamic State, so our rights as Muslims are somewhat "taken away" living here in the States.

Naimah (eemah1) [smilie=kitty.gif]

ummmouhamed

July 17th, 2007, 08:25 PM

asalam alaikum i voted no because now i am very jealous so maybe in the future inshallah

asalam alaikum
ummmouhamed

ummmouhamed

July 17th, 2007, 08:26 PM

asalam alaikum i voted no because now i am very jealous so maybe in the future when i am more stronger inshallah

asalam alaikum
ummmouhamed

LoveIslam

July 18th, 2007, 04:31 AM

[smilie=111281salams.gif]

My answer is NEVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!

Ha! That would be the day!! I could never and will never...EVER...do that. I mean i just cant. I couldnt even think about it...i am getting a headache just thinking about it. Maybe i should find another topic.... [smilie=17icon_neutral.gif]

DiamondLady Mema-Eemah

July 18th, 2007, 05:16 AM

My answer is NEVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!
I could never and will never...EVER...do that
Narmi....I used to say the same thing as you, until it was "forced" upon me...and I had no other choice but to comply.

I was out of work with a bad back at the time, and my husband was taking care of the majority of the Bills.....I was in a deep bind, and nowhere to turn financially.....so I put on a "stiff upper lip" and dealt with it.
But I must say, had I not been out of work at the time....and was still working at my full time job.....I think I would have divorced him....but ALLAHU ALIM!!

I would never, say NEVER to something again....because you may be thrusted into a situation where you have no other choice BUT TO STAY [smilie=13confused.gif].

Naimah (eemah) [smilie=kitty.gif]

Dinni

July 18th, 2007, 05:23 AM

Salam Sister,

I agree with sister Naimah, Never say Never..
When I was growing up, my girl friends and I would talk about what's going to happen to us in the future.
We talked about how we will not tolerate having to share our husband. We will never agree to such thing.
Until...
A few of the same girlfriends actually had to lick their own spit, so to speak. It completely ticked me off, from there, I told myself to keep my mouth shut and never say never..
Wasalam,
Dinni

bunny

July 18th, 2007, 11:43 PM

I voted a big fat NO. i would be WAY too jealous. if he wants another wife, he can go looking on his own, i will have nothing to do with her. thankfully, he has no intentions on ever getting a 2nd wife.

LoveIslam

July 19th, 2007, 03:00 AM

Ok, I understand the Never say Never policy...it makes sense. Anything is possible right? But, what I am saying is I personally Could NOT and will NOT handle such a situation.

Sure it is permissable in Islam and for the right reasons. But it is stated in the Quran that they MUST be able to treat the wives fairly and equally. Now, you know most men are not capable of such, hence they shouldnt be marrying more then one wife.

I know who i am and what i am capable of. And i am not here to say to others why or why not on this subject. But I know I would leave before that happens. I just couldnt deal with it. Mentally i cant be prepared for such a situation. And in Islam we DO have the right to reject or accept such a situation.

Just my two cent.

DiamondLady Mema-Eemah

July 19th, 2007, 03:33 AM

And in Islam we DO have the right to reject or accept such a situation.
You know Narmi....I didn't know that until like 2 weeks ago when I was at a Sisters Meeting at my friends house and the subject came up.
I was always under the impression that you could only divorce your husband if you had a valid reason....like physical abuse, adultry, mistreatment of any kind really.......
But it was explained to me that if a woman feels that she cannot "handle" a situation like that OR any situtation for that matter......and it gets to the point that whatever it is starts to effect her Deen...then she can get out of the Marriage.

Naimah (eemah1) [smilie=kitty.gif]

LoveIslam

July 19th, 2007, 04:48 PM

I am thinking that maybe many Muslim women probably dont know that they do have a choice in the matter. It can be a hard situation for many Muslim women. Personally it would be too much for me. I couldnt bare it. But I know there are situations where it may be necessary, such as when a woman cannot bare children.

w/Salaam
Narmi

DiamondLady Mema-Eemah

July 19th, 2007, 05:51 PM

Narmi: But I know there are situations where it may be necessary, such as when a woman cannot bare children.
Yes your right....

[smilie=aofftopic.gif]
I remember something that my ex used to say when he was getting "fitnah" from both ends........ "boy, people think that having two wives is all peaches & cream......well I am here to tell ya it isn't" ......and I would repy to him... "well your the one who wanted it, now deal with it" [smilie=hmph.gif].
Boy did he have it rough in the begining.....I wasn't giving him NO BREAKS at all...every chance I got I was ON HIM for something....I guess I still had alot of anger still in me.
He would come to me complaining about "her" and I would tell him right out....."DO NOT COMPLAIN TO ME ABOUT HER....I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT"......and then he would say...."well I don't have anyone else to talk to about it"........my reply....."THAT'S NOT MY PROBLEM".
Then for some reason I actually started feeling sorry for him... [smilie=16icon_eek.gif]......and then I began to "lighten up" on him and I would try and give some "positve advice".

I don't know why I brought that up.....just that it was on my mind and I felt I needed to say it...... [smilie=23icon_mrgreen.gif] [smilie=243221icon_lol.gif].

Naimah (eemah1) [smilie=kitty.gif]

umm_maryam

July 19th, 2007, 08:47 PM

But it is true somehow. When he is getting on your nerves, send him to the other one. Poor man have to deal with two or three or four, in the time woman relax the men have to deal with spouse all the time.

bunny

July 20th, 2007, 07:38 PM

i did not know we had a choice in the matter either!

sis naimah, that's a good example of why some of today's men shouldn't marry more than 1 wife- he shouldn't be coming to YOU w/ his wife problems, lol!.

Poor man have to deal with two or three or four, in the time woman relax the men have to deal with spouse all the time.

poor man? haha, i'd have to disagree! sorry, no one forced him into that situation- it was his choice. i don't know of any guy who married for the woman's sake b/c she needed the support. but if that's the case, then yes, poor man didn't know what he's getting into!

aishamommy

July 21st, 2007, 04:30 AM

[smilie=111281salams.gif]

Wow masha allah some interesting answers. I voted no. But Not because I dont agree with polyagny I can not make Haraam What Allah has made Halal. I cant Ask for a divorce for my husband wanting to exercise his rights over me. That would be the same of him Wanting to divorce me because I asked for Groceries, Or Rent. I answered No because he will be getting married Not me, I would be over stepping my bounds. My Naafs would get involved and as the Quran says in 113:5 And from the mischief of the envious one as he practises envy. I would start to Envy her because of the new relationship. So I would keep my space. I have been in polygany before masha allah. It was an experience. As for the other sisters who have seen the worst in poly I can say this It happens in mono marriages too. I have seen sisters on Welfare, Homeless shelters, you name it. It all boils down to the husband He has to fear his lord before he can get married rather it be the 1, 2, 3 or 4th. If he is unjust to his wives half of his body will drag on judgement day and I wish that on no brother.
Just my thought, And If I have said anything wrong it is from the Shaitan and anything Right is From Allah.

Aishah

Oum Anas

July 21st, 2007, 05:38 PM

Would you help your husband find a suitable wife?
I don't know. I've been reading the posts, and I still don't know... pro's and con's with both I think.

If not helping, you're less involved. If you help, you can make sure it's a good match (instead of having to go through the stress of marital problems etc, even when you're not the one involved [smilie=16icon_eek.gif] )

Allahu a'lam...

LaylahH

July 23rd, 2007, 02:14 PM

I didnt vote but my answer is yes I would help him find a wife. My thoughts are that I would rather be involved in the change and get the outcome that is best for me than to have to accept whatever he picks out. Also if I were terminally sick I would help him pick out a suitable wife to care for him and my kids after my demise. Cause how many men muslim or otherwise are not gonna remarry with small kids in the house to care for?? At least I will go to Allah knowing that I picked a good woman that will love and care for my family properly. How can we be selfish in this way when Allah has allowed it?

DiamondLady Mema-Eemah

July 23rd, 2007, 06:19 PM

Mashallah Laylah.....that was a good reason.
May this never be the case for any of Us though..... [smilie=13confused.gif].

Naimah (eemah1) [smilie=kitty.gif]

LaylahH

July 23rd, 2007, 07:29 PM

Ameen! [smilie=12biggrin.gif]

bunny

July 25th, 2007, 04:36 PM

i think if u were terminally ill, it would be a different case altogether. but, the main question is how you would deal with it if you have good health and know that you will have to live with ur husband making visits to this other woman.

LaylahH

July 25th, 2007, 05:46 PM

I would deal with it because thats his right. I may not like it but I would deal. If I start taking away his rights he could very well start taking away mine. I pray I NEVER end up in this situation but if I do then I will deal with it.

miss helouah

August 6th, 2007, 08:42 PM

[smilie=111281salams.gif]

I voted yes, so if there will be a day where dh wants to get a 2nd wife, i hope my Imaan is strong enough to stay put, InshaAllah.. Although i know dh has no intention of doing it. We have often spoken about this and he has told me, that even if we got divorced, he would not remarry... But i told dh, that if i pass away before time (God forbid) and i knew on before hand, then i would like to find him a suitable wife, who i would feel comfortable leaving my kids with...

umm adam

August 7th, 2007, 09:18 PM

I voted yes [smilie=16icon_eek.gif]

The way i see is if my husband wanted to have another wife, i'd wanna have some kind of influence in his choice.

I wouldn't want him to have another wife ofcourse, but if he did then it is better i help him rather than not.... [smilie=13confused.gif]

dinah

August 25th, 2007, 03:29 AM

before I married my husband as I had many many strange offering.. 1.this was in saudi as he wanted me to be his wife number 4. 2. one was looking for wife number two cuz she couldnt hve babies. 3. one was looking for wife number 1 but he hates kids so much but must accept his four wild dogs 4. I met several who are unhappy with his first marriage as they wanted to leave the country and live with wife number two but not divorced his first wife. I think the main thing is to make your husband very happy and satisfied so he wouldnt be looking for wife number 2 . if you dont mind being one of his two wives it had better be under one roof or within walking distance of each other.

UmmRuwaidah

August 25th, 2007, 11:55 AM

I think the main thing is to make your husband very happy and satisfied so he wouldnt be looking for wife number

I have to disagree with this statement and May Allah forgive the men who told their wives this Ameen!. Our beloved Prophet [smilie=28saw.gif] took many wives and never did I read that he had gotten married because one or all of his previous wives didn't satisfy him. I believe women can do all they can to make their husbands happy but in the end Allah tells us which is translated ...and man was created weak (cannot be patient to leave sexual intercourse with woman). (An-Nisa 4:28). Therefore some men will find a way to get married and it has nothing to do with his wife/wives but all to do with the way Allah created them and Allah knows Best [smilie=12biggrin.gif] [/code]

criterion

August 26th, 2007, 04:12 PM

[smilie=111281salams.gif] .This I believe isn't a'straight' answer because there're so many'buts','ifs','perhaps'!I think it's conditional as those who agreed&disagreed gave attachments to their answers except for a few sisters who are strong enough to just accept it as fulfilling the will of Allah,by allowing the menfold exercise their God-given rights.My own answer was undoubtedly'NO'!My reasons:I've suffered a lot & have remained insecured in this marriage,yet holding for the sake of'sabr'.But the first reason however would be because I know for certain that my husband would be doing it for the wrong reasons.He lacks the Islamic requirements(except money,because he claims he's a potential millionaire).
I would have voted 'YES',were I married to a very Pious Muslim man with the knowledge of Islam.I'd be going into marriage with him with the realization that this man has enough 'fear' of Allah in him because of his realigious understanding& "could" desire to take a 2nd wife,even 3rd&4th someday.I have the enough understanding to appreciate the fact that there're widows who didn't choose to be at an early age,who might not find a'fresh' husband& a countless number of Muslimahs who are still searching.Afterall,Rasulullah(s.a.w) married the widows of the Martyrs during his time.
Personally,am jealous in this particular relationship because of my experience with the man am married to.In short,my answer would be different if I were married to another man.And to this man(a Pious Muslim),I could help choose if I know any sister who is ready&not minding to be a 2nd wife,with a good understanding of Islam.I could even choose a friend& would not mind and if she betrays me,i'd leave Allah to be the judge of that.However,I'd leave the marriage for good,like my sister mentioned earlier,it could destroy our Naffs& I wouldn't want that to poison my heart in performing my religious rights.In this present marriage however,I would simply 'back-out'.Jazakallahu sis.eemah for that piece of information.I never knew a woman could have a 'talaaq' if the situation affects her!
And Allah knows best.

Umm Yehiya

August 26th, 2007, 04:43 PM

I've thought a LOT about this....and I pray that my husband never wants to marry another woman aside from me as long as we are married & I am alive (I pray we never divorce, either) insha'allah ya Rabb! -

HOWEVER, if I were in a situation where my husband was bound & determined to marry another woman (lah qadr Allah - just theoretically, here), I would want to help choose her. I would want - I would NEED, I think - to like her, and I am one of those people who would actually prefer that she was my friend. A true friend, that I really loved.

But insha'allah this is just for the sake of theoretically speaking!

dinah

August 27th, 2007, 05:49 PM

bound & determined to marry another woman (lah qadr Allah - just theoretically, here), I would want to help choose her. I would want - I would NEED, I think - to like her, and I am one of those people who would actually prefer that she was my friend. A true friend, that I really loved.
exactly!!! you cant not forced him not to marry another woman as he will do it once his mind made up so I wouldnt divorced him but welcome her as we are both sharing the same man. I made a deal with my husband to allow me to pick a wife for him so I will learn to love her.if he ever should look for wife number 2 that is.

UmmBarakah

August 30th, 2007, 04:39 AM

Absolutely no way, my husband is mine and i will not share him , he would never even think about taking a second wife but i would most definately leave him if he did, i could never share the man i love without hating the woman i'd have to share him with and that could lead to sin on my part by getting jealous and angry, i love him and he's all mine, a woman has the right to leave if her husband takes a second wife and because we have been given this right it obviously means that it is natural for some women to not want to be in this kind of relationship.

Barja

August 31st, 2007, 01:22 AM

I voted no for me personally I've made my feelings clear to my dh how I feel about him taking a second wife. While it i s for me to please Allah if he was to take a second wife I would still abide to my marriage in ways to be pleasing to Allah but just because you can have something if it is hurting the person you love if it was something you can do without why would you need to is the way I approached this with my husband his response is I'm glad you've put so much thought into this because I don't and I don't need another wife. Now if I became gravely ill Allah forbid I would want my husband to then have another wife some one to love and comfort him and be there for him if I am to pass, but at this time I feel I am all the wife he needs. [smilie=281male.gif] [smilie=281sisterniqabi.gif] [smilie=ahug.gif]

catherine315

September 1st, 2007, 03:05 AM

I voted no. And for sure I am too jealous to help in this. If it ever came down to it, I would respect dh's decision b/c I know he would never do this to me unless there was a very very good reason for it.

If, God forbid, his bro passed away and it was his sil, I would totally accept her into the family or something similar like a woman who had lost her husband. But if it's just a pretty face that popped into the picture,I wouldn't want to know anything about the woman. Let her live in her house, me in mine.

BUT if I saw the woman dh was going to marry was not honest or seemed to have hidden motives, I would definitely tell him my 2 cents. Or if he was deciding between 2 women and one of them was completely wrong for him, I would give him my opinion.

OomHaleemah

November 25th, 2007, 01:25 AM

`Assalamu `Alaykum Ukhti,

I have vote 'yes' to this.
I have asked zawj to get another wife just b.c. there are so many unfortunate widow in Iraq and Africa, I think it would be beneficial and pleasing Allaah to get another wife.
But he refuses b.c. my FIL was in a bad plygamous marriage when he was a kid and he says no one else in his family has ever had one after that.
My father had a 2nd wife in Palestine she died in childbirth though before I was born.
My mother and her were best friends.
If I had a co-wife I would consider myself very blessed b.c. I would have a sister to share things w. and to help cook and clean and things like that. Also to have kids to play with my kids.
But it looks like this will not happen for me [smilie=17icon_neutral.gif]
But i am glade my zawj loves me and only me though [smilie=1827icon_redface.gif]

criterion

November 25th, 2007, 10:39 AM

[smilie=111281salams.gif] I give you credit for beig so thoughtful&caring for your sisters.If only the person you're willing to accept would be as nice as you,then there'd be no problems because you'd both be considerate of each other.
It's a very rewardable thing to do,but not all of us can do it!!

Siobhan

November 27th, 2007, 05:07 AM

I know myself and I believe this is not something I can handle emotionally. I explained this fully to my husband before marrage and he assured me he does not plan to take a second wife, no one in his family has one. They all say"one is bad enough"!!

All this sisterhood talk sounds good but then the fact that this co-sister would be DOING IT with my husband kind of makes my brain short out. I guess it's a personal character flaw of mine. If he wants more than one wife he has a right to them, but there is nothing forcing me to be one of them. I fear I would not be able to keep the limits of islam in this situation, and so would ask to be released from it, thank you for your time please have a nice life goodbye. Please Allah SWT don't let it happen to me, there is sisters that want it please give it to them and not me amen.
[smilie=11281astaghfirullah.gif]

criterion

November 27th, 2007, 10:15 AM

[smilie=111281salams.gif] I personally think sincerity of purpose is very important.It's good to admit our flaws,and it's better one avoids anything that could corrupt one's faith.I agree with you.However,some unforeseeen cicumstance(s) leaves some men no choice,hence consider taking a second wife&it would be best if it's an agreement between the two spouses to avoid conflicts.I don't think i can handle it though&bt i don't want to say,"never",as the knowledge of the future lies only with Allah. [smilie=11281alhamdulillah.gif] that i however have an option of staying&condoning it or simply walk out to avoid anything that could contaminate my faith.Wallahu an'lam!!!

umm2two

December 3rd, 2007, 11:41 AM

As salamu alaikum

I voted no not being malicious but because I think that polygyny is pretty much his ball field, and that would be between him and his Lord. I also feel like I am his wife, not one of his boys who hooks him up with the girl he likes, and he asks me how does she look and what did she say and does she like this or that. I don't like the idea of hooking my husband up at all, its just not my place. I think that is the job of the wakil/wali so he can ask him those questions. This will be a uncomfortable insensitive situation to me so I would just play my position as his first wife but I would want things to go smoothly for him on the other end because he is a good muslim man mashaAllaah and I would never want him to be unhappy even if my heart is at stake and may Allaah help us.

Muslimah2008

November 5th, 2008, 08:02 PM

Salaam Alaikum,

Ahhh, this question!?!?!? I also really, really hope my husband never decides to marry another woman, but that being said, I know it's allowed in Islam and I cannot prevent my husband from marrying another woman, as it is his right and it is his choice, and I will be sinful if I refused!

So my logical answer to this would be, yes! Why? Because it's allowed and because I have to make sure she's a Muslim and that she loves him too... (I wouldn't want just any lady marrying him and also not love him) and plus Allah (swt) will reward me for it. You never know, me and the other woman may treat eachother like sisters.

Hanan

serenity101

November 5th, 2008, 08:08 PM

Assalamu alaikum,

I vote yes.

serenity101

Azmeerah4Islam

November 7th, 2008, 02:06 AM

AssalamAlaykum,

No, double no and triple no.

The exceptions to this rule are if I'm sick or hurt beyond hope and my husband needs another wife to watch after the kids. Polygamy is sunnah but its also a choice and its not for me.

I was in a polygamous marriage with my first husband and the abuses I saw, the tears I cried and the horrible emotions I felt were enough to turn me off altogether (for myself but not for other's). He lied about being married, we got married in masjid and when I finally found out my co-wife HATED me on sight ; we lived and dwelled together. She hated my Anylah and would tease me because she had a boy first and say he'd divorce me if I didn't make a boy. I cried myself asleep nearly everynight. I got pregnant for a 2nd time when Anylah was 4 mths old and when there was a miscarriage he yelled at me. Finally although my father had been against the marriage after physical and mental abuse I contacted him and begged him to bring me home, he was there in a heartbeat to get me alhamdolilah.

I got married about 18 months later to my current husband alhamdolilah. The welfare, the assistence, poverty, desperation, not having a say and silent tears were enough to make me say a big HECK no to polygamy. I have heard success stories, maybe that's for them but for me? No way, not again.

Aneesah8

November 7th, 2008, 11:37 AM

:salam:

I don't think I could do this without giving way to envy and that's a sin. So I would have to say - No, I don't think I would. My husband cannot afford two wive's anyways we talked about this when he got married. Besides he said he didn't desire another wife because he couldn't be equitable between us. So I would view this as a breaking of a marriage contract and the stipulations we set and would have to say no.

Azmeerah HUGE HUGS FOR YOU SISTER. I'm so sorry you had to go through that, may Allah heal your heart and replace what you went through with a 1,000 times better!

Hanifahs mama

November 10th, 2008, 11:48 PM

No because I dont want a co-wife :)

boysmom

November 12th, 2008, 02:47 AM

I voted NOOO!!

I just can't imagine sharing my husband with another woman. No one in my family or DH's family has ever married more than 1 wife at a time, so we're not used to the idea.

HaleemahN

November 12th, 2008, 05:55 PM

nope...nope...nope...NO....
cant do it sorry...if he ever wants another wife he'd have to divorce me first...and he knows how i feel about it..so thats that.....
Masha"Allah to those who answered yes...
Aneesah ameen to your dua for Azmeerah.

UmmHamza

November 18th, 2008, 06:54 PM

As salaamu alaikum,

I voted no, because i have hard enough time just thinking about him being with someone else, so u can imagine how i would feel having to help find someone for him. This may be bad, and although it is his right to have another wife if he chooses, i just dont think that i can handle it at this point.

serenity101

July 29th, 2009, 01:04 AM

:salam:,

I did not know quite how to tell my family on MMC, but I though that this would be a good way to get it out and ovefr with... lol

Sis Ameenah1968 is......my co-wife. I love her and her daughter and prays that she will enjoy Vermont. We have so much in common it is like wow. I am not jealous and I am happy. Happy to have a good muslim husband and now I am not alone. I have my own home and she will have hers right next door :thumb:.

One of the stipulations my HUSBAND said to us was that she had to like me and I her. We had to get along and NO fitnah. I was happy he asked us to call each other and now we talk several times everyday. She has a young daughter and I have my young granddaughter. They will even go to the same school. insha Allah.

Having a farm we all will have plenty of hard work ahead of us. Plans have already started for the barn, chickens, goats, lambs, turkey's and 2 cows... I am happy and I am so glad I did not turn him down again. ometimes.....Allah has many ways of bringing a family together.

And sisters she wants to learn sew!!!...:hyper::hyper::hyper:. And all of you know that is right up my alley!

serenity101

ummhadda

July 29th, 2009, 01:18 AM

i am very happy for you Sister! May ALLAH make you into a peaceful and successful big loving family and always keep fitrah away from you.
Congratulations again to your new life. Wow, farming sounds exciting and you will always have the best food, mmmm :)
...and she is the sister you introduced, right? Tell her (again) very very welcome...:) - hope to hear from her soon.

NakiaJ

July 29th, 2009, 01:56 AM

:salam:
I voted no, as any marriage that I would be a party to would be a monogamous one.

gabsimom

July 29th, 2009, 01:57 AM

Mash'Allah sister. I know if I had a co-wife I would have to love her too. I am so happy you have gone into a positive marriage and seem to have such a good husband.
Alhumdillah.

SHAIKHA

July 29th, 2009, 02:18 AM

:salam:,
Sis Ameenah1968 is......my co-wife. I love her and her daughter and prays that she will enjoy Vermont. We have so much in common it is like wow. I am not jealous and I am happy. Happy to have a good muslim husband and now I am not alone. I have my own home and she will have hers right next door :thumb:.

MasyaAllah sis...... Alf Mabrook !!
Alhamdullillah, your dh have found a good sister and a friend to be your co-wife. May Allah bless your kind heart... Ameen.
My granddad also have 3 wives living in the same compound.... 2 in the same big bangalow and another living next door. MasyaAllah, SubhanAllah... they live together happy and helped one another.... yep! with all their 30+ children and many many grandchildren .... and I love them all....

and I'm sure that you will too......... InsyaAllah, Ameen...

JazakAllah khair...

serenity101

July 29th, 2009, 02:28 AM

Shukran sisters, yes the sister I introduced is my co wife. Hopefully she will say something to everyone soon insha Allah...:)

She is a very sweet sister. And I am happy to have her in my family. They were married yesterday. I was one of the witnesses and would not have missed it.

Some may think I am bonkers. But what I have been through in the last 4 years has taught me to appreciate having the oppertunity to even have a family. Not to mention someone who was there for me when I went through it all.

And as for my co-wife she has also been through the wringer. But that I will allow her to discuss if she shares that part of her life. I love you all soo much and I know she will too.

I will take pictures of the farm once we start the fencing and fall planting. I can not wait until the barn goes up and we start chasing chickens.....