Dinner together as a family

[Dinni]

Salam sisters,

I would to ask all of you for an advice. After almost 8 years of marriage, My dear husband and I had come along way. We have tackle a few differences between ourselves.

My husband was brought up in a severely dysfunctional family. His father left his mom with 3 kids all under 3 with no money, so she has to leave the children and off to work, everyday.
My husband being the baby then, was left with a nanny and sent to school at age 3 by his, then alcoholic, mom.
He does not recognize the value of having meals together as a family. It is something I have been facing since we have children.

Here is the break down:
Every morning, at 6am after getting ready, he had to rush and have quick breakfast. Children would still be asleep. he brings his lunch at work at different times each day depends on his availability. The girls and I have lunch at home. We live far from his office and never quite make it there to visit him for lunch. Then dinner,
the girls have it at 5pm and then he comes home at around 5.30pm, run for an hour (that's 6:30pm), and then he reads to our kids in bed by 7pm. After their last milk, off to bed they go by 8pm.

I have been stressing to him the importance of having meals together for the children, but he seemed to just ignoring me. I stopped nagging him daily and reminded him about it on the weekend. He takes us out to restaurants almost every weekend, that's when we sit down and eat together. However, in my opinion, the ones at home are the ones that count. Am I wrong?

When I was growing up, I have dinner together with my parents and my grandma at home or places too. We lived next to each other, so that was what made it possible. When we are at home, my parents were always there with my sister and I at the dining table whenever we were eating. Even at some moments when they were not eating (fasting/diet), they would still be there.

I hate to nag about this to my sweet hubby, so if any of you have an idea of how to address this to him in a polite and gentle manner, I would really appreciate it. Or maybe I should just put off thinking about this so much and let it go. After all, like I said, we do eat together at restaurants every weekend. Nothing is perfect, right??

Thank you in advance.
Your sister in need,
Dinni

[fragrance]

i voted sometimes bec even though me and my dh agree that its always nice to eat together bec of his work schedule its not possible.
when i was not working, lunch and dinner wud be together but now at lunch i m at work and at dinner sometimes he is wrapped up in his work (sales) till 9.00 or 10.00 or even if he comes home, he goes for swimming or walking.
my baby wont eat unless i sit with her for eating so ultimately we tend to eat at different times. however at weekends and at least 2-3 times in a week i make it a point to eat together.
of course one point is i just cant eat alone but most importantly the full days talk can be had at dinner time. u can share ur worries, what u did in the full day etc.

[umm_maryam]

I vote always. My baby Maryam and me, that`s our family. The reality looks like, a dish for me and one for Maryam. I feed her, she take 2 or 3 spoon from. Mommy try to eat one spoon. Maryam see that mommy is eating, her throat become longer and longer. Than she wants my food. We are having exactly the same. But i`m not complaining. She is still small and i love to eat with her. Just when i want to eat something what is not good for her like it is to hot for example. Than i feed her at first and eat it after she sleep. Maryam is to cute Masha ALLAH. Just recently she started want to feed mommy.

As for your situation, i have an idea. Pick a day, make sure your dh will be for a certain time at home. Even it is late, the kids can sleep one or two hours in the afternoon for be ready when daddy arrive. Than cook his favorite dishes and something your babies like. Everything should be ready on time. Dress yourself and the kids in your best clothes. Make a nice decoration for the table. And when your dh com home, just explain him this party / meal together is for saying thank you to him being your husband and father. And ALLAHu Alim how that evening ends.... [smilie=1224311icon_wink.gif] [smilie=1827icon_redface.gif]

You never can miss something you never know. After his upbringing, how should he appreciate something he never knows? You should make for him memories

[Humayraa]

[smilie=282wsalam.gif]

The Prophet Muhammad (sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam) said: "Eat together and not separately, for the blessing is associated with the company." Al-Tirmidhi, Hadith 1137

I used to make it a point for dh and I to eat together but this has faded with time, and happens occasionally. When we first married we'd eat from 1 plate, drink from 1 glass and have all our meals together. As time went by we both found this difficult for 3 reasons. (1) Neither of us likes the food from each other's country, so we end up eating different things. (2) Dh eats 3 giant meals a day, and I eat a little 5 or 6 times a day. A meal for me is probably a snack, but then again a snack for me is a mini meal (eg. cashew nuts, fruit and soya milk). (3) Dh eats late at night, usually last thing before he goes to bed. I always eat my last meal before 6 pm. So even though I would like us to have all our meals together, he has told me not to wait for him and to eat when I'm hungry. I do TRY for us to have breakfast together, but it doesn't always work out that way.

Sis Dinni, you can show your dh the hadith quoted above, make du'a to Allaah for what you want, and gently remind your dh ever so often that you'd appreciate it if he'd eat with the family. Other than that, I'm not sure what else to advise inshaaAllaah, waAllaahu 'alam.

[bunny]

mashaAllah, glad sis humayraa posted the hadith- now, i don't have to search for it [smilie=12biggrin.gif]

we used to eat dinner together in the beginning, but now, things have gotten so hectic that we don't really get to eat many meals together except on weekends or if he comes home for lunch. we enjoy eating together, but for us, it is not a priority and he tells me not to wait for him to come home b/c he doesn't like me going hungry (my metabolism is faster than his)

perhaps you can ask for a compromise in the beginning, like Friday nights are family dinner nights at home. It sounds like there are a lot of schedule conflicts that are preventing you guys from eating as a family. Maybe he can eat when he gets home at 5:30 and then go do his other chores. I hope the suggestions we are all offering help your situation.

I know this is an important issue for you, let ur dh know this as well but in a nice way. Let him know the benefits of closeness that you get w/ spending time together and the barakah of eating together. Try not to feel too sad about it- you're trying to recreate your childhood ways, but when we get married, our household end up being different b/c u're coming the 2 ideas. This is something that he's not accustomed to, but if you start off slowly, he might want to do it more often, inshaAllah.

[Dinni]

Salam sisters,

Thank you all for the advices. I will try them, Insha ALLAH. I like the idea of dressing up the table, I think my hubby would like that too.
Sister Humayraa, my situation is the same, we have different in food preference too. As far as the kids taking nap, I have to pass on that one, since my kids, if they take a nap even for an hour, they can stay up until midnight!! So I stopped giving them nap since my little on turned 3.5. It worked great for my hubby and me and the kids get 12 hour undisturbed sleep.

(sis Humayraa, I think this is when I got my star, yipee...)

Regards,
Dinni

[MelissaS]

Salam alaikum
I would like us to eat together as a family...but right now that's not easy with my husbands schedule. So, me and my daughter eat together, and then sometimes she's in bed asleep by the time my husband gets home. It's only for a few more weeks Alhumdulilah. And then, we're going to start eating, at the dining table, not on the coffee table in the living room watching tv... [smilie=20icon_rolleyes.gif] and have a nice time as a family.

I agree, it is important. I think eating at a restaurant together is good too. It at least time shared together, and while it's not the same, it's better than a lot of other things. The kids probably like it, and you don't have to cook or wash all those dishes. The kids probably look forward to it, right? Make sure that the time is used well though. Talk about meaningful things.
Talk to you husband about a compromise to have dinner together at home once, twice a week, or something..

[ummi2mybabies]

aoa sistets i put yes my husband works at night and so we always eat our lunch together as a family every single day i think its great to bond with the family and we always bring raihan to eat with us .

[ummmouhamed]

asalam alaikum i voted yes as a family we always eat together alhamdouillah


asalam alaikum
ummmouhamed

[mura]

Asalaamu alaikum.

Thank you Sis Humrayaa for the hadith.

I think it is very important to eat at least one meal a day as a family. Until now my husband's schedule does not allow for that. We designated one day a week for him to come home to eat with me and on the weekends we usually get a couple of meals together. Every time there is a schedule change we have to readjust. But we keep trying! It is not as important to him so I have to be the one to make sure it happens.

I'm going to share the hadith with him. Sometimes he just thinks it is my crazy female/american/nutjob ideas that keep me on his back. Nice to have some Islamic back-up!

Salaams.

[Dinni]

Salam Sisters,

Yes, thank you for the hadith, Sis Humayraa. I will share this with my hubby too. I guess since everyone dont really have meal together with hubby everytime, I dont feel out of place too much. I agree the restaurants moment should count too. I read before that children who regularly have family meals together are less likely to get bad influence from their peers. I believe it build up their self esteem, self confidence and sense where they come from.
Again, I thank you for the input an please keep it coming...

Regards,
Dinni

[AyahsMom]

Salaam Sis Dinni,

I voted "always". It isn't ALWAYS but we usually eat together. It seemed closer than "sometimes"!

We both agree that eating together is important. That's nice your dh takes you out every weekend masha'allah. My dh would rather just eat at home.

I noticed above you said that your girls eat at 5pm and your hubby comes home at 5:30. Could the girls wait 30 minutes and when dh gets home you all eat together?

[Razzanah]

[smilie=111281salams.gif] Sister Humayraa I told my zewj that hadith and been practicing eating together as a family it brings good conversation to the table . On sundays I started to serve breakfast on a big plate and let everybody eat out of one plate we go to my mother in laws house on sundays she cook for the whole family and the sisters are in one room and the brothers are in the other we eat also off one plate we get to talk to each other and plan our outing as a family my husband comes from a close family [smilie=11281mashallah.gif] . So when we dont eat there we are always going to a sister or aunt house. [smilie=243221icon_lol.gif]

[SHAIKHA]

Assalamu'alaikum ya Ukht,

I voted always...

On weekdays, I'm off to work and the 2 boys are in school - so we don't do lunch together. But Alhamdullillah, we sit down at dinner together. Unless, hb is out or the boys are very late from school. We usually sit for dinner at around 7pm. However, I usually will feed baby earlier or later - he will now join us in the sitting but would just 'play' with the food !

On Weekends, whoever is available at home.. we will eat breakfast, lunch and dinner together.

Sadly to say... when the children were much younger, they 'talked' a lot during meals, telling you stories and never ending questions... but now that they are teenagers, they speak very little... you hv to initiate conversation with them. Then, they eats very fast, LOL !!! So they eat and off they went, leaving my & hb to enjoy our meal as a couple :)
But still, I believe - eating together is good ... Wallahu'alam

JazakAllah khair...

[Ummi_to_Siraj]

[smilie=111281salams.gif]

I voted rarely because we rarely eat together. I really do not like it, especially because alot of the time dh is home, but eats his dinner in the bedroom so that he can watch a tv show that we do not want to watch. He was raised that way though, so that is what he's used to. He used to make the effort to eat with us and I would of course let him watch whatever he wanted so that we could all sit together, but not anymore. Siraj and I eat together though, so at least Siraj is getting the benefit of not eating alone. I was rased the was Siraj is being raised, the kids ate with our mother while my father was not home or not available to eat with us. InshaAllah this will change, but I'm not sure when because dh is really set in his ways. I always say that I married an old grandpa, lol.

[dinah]

my husband gobbles up foods like arabs do as for me I eat and talk for hours at the table. so if iM lucky once a week we are doing his way or my way together. hard one here. american life is so hectic as every body is running like chicken lost its head . I call it mircowave life .